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No matter their age, a parent’s unwavering support makes all the difference to their kids.
Recently, my oldest had a JV basketball playoff game in Lynchburg, and I maneuvered my schedule to get there, asking my husband to leave work early to pick up the other kids and rescheduling #2 kid’s orthodontist appointment to ensure I’d arrive on time. I was excited to watch him play, as our family’s run-in with COVID (first Liam, then me) had kept us out of his high school gym for a chunk of the winter.
He was a couple of weeks away from getting his driver’s license, and I had grand plans of a meaningful chat with a captive teenager and a dinner out.
Well, it didn’t quite work out that way.
As anyone who’s tried to snake through the Boonsboro area at rush hour will tell you, good luck. I was caught in a mean traffic jam, and inched along to my destination, feeling the frustration rise with each passing moment. First, I was missing warm-ups. Then I was missing the first quarter, then the first half. And then I was hoping to make it at all.
I parked at the rival high school and dashed into the gym, to find three minutes left on the clock, and a tie game. A couple of lead changes led to a tough ending, and a hard loss. I found Liam at the end of the game, and he looked even more frustrated than I had been sitting in traffic. I tried the normal mom pep talks to no avail. He needed to marinate in it, and process a season that was now over. He didn’t want to chat. He didn’t want to go to dinner. We drove home mostly in silence. The whole thing felt like such a fail.
I called a friend later while I was folding laundry, telling her my tale of woe. But instead of just commiserating, she helped me reframe it. She said, “You did your best, you showed up for him, and that’s what matters. It counts.”
It hadn’t gone as I hoped, but she was right, I showed up. I’d make the effort and sometimes, that’s all we can do. I’ve started to feel in recent years like 80% of parenting might just be showing up. Being there in silent support for the band concert, the game, the Halloween parade, the awards ceremony. Of course when they are smaller, they give you positive feedback for doing it, like a big smile and a wave, or a hug. Surly teens might not even look in your direction, but I know it matters. I know they feel the support even if they can’t or won’t acknowledge it now.
My parents showed up for me, making it to most of my games, and certainly graduations and big moments. I think it said, you are important. You matter to me, and I want to witness what matters to you. And sometimes when we show up, a truly wonderful moment happens, maybe one we didn’t plan. I can think of two that stick in my mind. One was getting an ice cream with my youngest after his end-of-the-year kindergarten picnic. He’s not much of a sharer, and he told me about the friends he made that year, and what he liked most about school. The second was an impromptu family dinner at our favorite Mexican restaurant, after my middle son’s violin concert, right before the world shut down. It was a time when we celebrated, when everyone got along and we enjoyed each other’s company.
If you show up enough, you’re going to get those magical parenting moments that we all want, that we can cling to when we’re packing them up for college. And, you’re also going to get the colossal fail, arriving with three minutes left on the clock.
We do our best.
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