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Success is not measured in SAT scores and extracurriculars — break free from the overparenting trap with these great tips.
This summer, my oldest child, a rising junior in high school, pondered his course selections and his teacher recommendations. “I’ll only have one AP class on my schedule, I don’t think it’s enough,” he said, rubbing his temple. On the bell curve of stressed out teens, Liam has always ranked pretty low, so I was surprised to hear the tension in his voice.
“What are you worried about?” I asked.
“Other people are taking three and four AP classes, and I’m worried that it won’t be enough that I only take one,” he said.
We’re on the cusp of the last two years in high school, where everything “counts.” SATs, grades and extracurricular activities are pursued by many as resume builders for their desired college. Thankfully, I’ve matured as a parent, at least enough to advise him to do what is best for him, and that packing his schedule with too many APs, while also playing sports, maintaining a social life and a part-time job is perhaps a recipe for burnout, rather than a golden ticket to a coveted college placement. I reminded him that I only took two AP courses in my entire high school career, both senior year.
“Things are different now,” he said, and I know that they are. But are they better? I think the answer is a resounding no.
An article in The Atlantic made its way across my social media feeds over and over again in May, with parents posting “Yes!” and “Read this. Now.” It was called “How to Quit Intensive Parenting” by Elliot Haspel. Frankly, he said it all so well that I’m tempted to just cut and paste the entire article here, but I’ll share some of the salient points.
Haspel says that overparenting has become the dominant model of parenting in the United States, and that it has become so pervasive that it has cut across socioeconomic lines. Basically, overparenting is when mothers and fathers spend the majority of their time and a lot of their paychecks curating a child’s life, with the right mix of extracurriculars, tutors–and yes, that schedule packed with AP courses–in hopes of ensuring that child’s future success in life.
Says Haspel: “Rafts of research prove that intensive parenting mainly serves to burn out parents while harming children’s competence and mental health. What parents need is not another bromide against micromanaging their kids, but pragmatic steps to alter course and still feel good about it. This is where the idea of “good enough” parenting comes in. “Good enough” does not mean mediocre or apathetic, but requires acknowledging the point beyond which attempts at further optimization cause more harm than good.”
A complicated mix of factors led to my kid stressing over not having enough AP courses, including, most likely, my attitudes and pressures about his academics in the past. But I’m more interested now in raising four good humans, who generally try their best, work hard and have some life competency. I’ve read the research, and I’ve seen the real life examples–admission to an elite college is not a guarantee of success. Two of the most successful people I know graduated from arguably “weak” schools. And, of course, there are many ways to gauge success.
I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I will say having a big family forces my husband and me, as parents, to give our kids some responsibilities that I’ve noticed other kids don’t have. We cannot do everything for all of them while maintaining our sanity. If you, too, want to break free of the overparenting trap and let your kids develop the kind of self-sufficiency and confidence they need, as well as the space you as a parent need to have a life of your own, here are some good ways:
Stop helping with homework. Many teachers say that when parents help with homework, they don’t have an understanding of whether the student has mastered the material. If they ask for help, determine whether they are trying to get out of doing the work or are truly struggling. Let them get a less than perfect grade. A little failure is good. Really, it is.
Give children jobs at home. All kids should have some skin in the game towards a functioning household. My older two are responsible for their own laundry, clean the bathrooms and mow the grass, while the younger two empty the dishwasher, straighten the downstairs and get the mail. What can your kid take off your plate to help them learn responsibility?
Make your older teen get a job. Liam works a manual labor job that has taught him more about real life than anything I’ve said as a parent, any high school course, sport or experience.
Encourage hard work in school, but don’t demand perfection. Again, your kid may not need a slate of AP courses. What are the best choices for him or her that have nothing to do with what the student who sits next to him in homeroom is doing? There is a college or trade school fit for everyone, and it doesn’t have to be the most coveted bumper sticker college. It is not a guarantee of a good life. Repeat that to yourself when doubt creeps in, and it will.
Drop an activity this year. For us, it’s art class. It was a beloved class but is expensive, across town and difficult to make consistently while also cutting into dinner time. Instead, we’ll have a chance to sit down at the table and share a meal, or I’ll have the chance to carve out more time to do something I want to do, which will make me a better, less anxious and more present parent.
I’ll close with Haspel: “Moving away from intensive parenting will also require a culture in which parents’ needs outweigh child optimizations. We need to normalize not adding more extracurriculars (and all the attendant time and money) to our schedule; not spending hours completing our children’s homework with (or for) them. To be sure, parental intervention is necessary at times–securing a tutor for a struggling reader, ensuring college financial-aid applications are completed–but those times are limited in scope and merely require attentive, rather than intensive, efforts.”
We can do it, moms and dads. We can move away from the cult of overparenting to a saner, more sustainable way.
The story above is from our September/October 2022 issue. For more stories, subscribe today or view our FREE digital edition. Thank you for supporting local journalism!
