Q: Yo, G-man, you see where they gave that concessions contract for the interstate rest stops to a company from Pennsylvania?! What the heck’s wrong with a Virginia company for Virginia highways? TG, Salem
A: What got lost in the coverage is that a Virginia company just got the food contract for the Pennsylvania Turnpike, and it’s planning to introduce a few Old Dominion specialties to Keystone Staters that may take a little getting used to, including the Bowl With, the Two Biscuits in a Quart of Gravy, this really thick, warmed-and-diluted-in-water peanut butter sandwich called Peanut Soup, and our latest trendy dish, Chicken and Waffles Together. We figure six months and they’ll be up for a trade-back.
Q: Hey, Gossipman, did you see Mayor Bowers’ state-of-the-city address the other week, with that stuff about “Oh See R.E.D.” – for Oh, See Roanokers Exercise and Diet? Is that the best he could do? SL, NW
A: Turns out there were several other possibles for the speech that didn’t make the cut:
Oh See B.L.U.E. (Oh, See Bowers Losing Ultimately Everybody.)
Oh See A.Q. U. A. (Oh, See America Quit Using Acronyms)
Oh See L. E. M. O. N. (Oh, See Loftily Eloquent Mayor Overwhelming Nobody.)
Oh See T. A. N. (Oh, See, Try Again Nexttime.)
Q: I noticed that Major League Baseball didn’t add any new stats this year for a change, but I did see a bunch of players leaving teams temporarily not for the Disabled List, but for the new Paternity Leave. What’s up with that? BW, Fincastle
A: Calm down, BW. Most of the paternity leave was given just to guys on honeymoons or guys who had been trying really really hard to become fathers for, you know, six or eight months, and had to get on home when the eggs were about to hit the frying pan, if you know what I mean. There were only three or four instances of guys taking off to get DNA tests to try to get their alleged paternity to just totally leave and not be there anymore.
Q: The thing that’s really crumbling my cane right now is these new average temperatures and snowfalls that came out recently, where the National Weather Service takes just the last 30 years and calls that normal. So now we’re operating on data from 1981 to 2010 as if it’s really what it’s supposed to be like outside around here?! Are you kidding me – some of my great grandkids were born since ‘81! And how in the hell are we going to get back to the great snows of the ‘30s and ‘40s if we keep jacking stuff up like that every blink of an eye? What about geology, are they going to crunch that all up into 20 minutes too? And I suppose pretty soon my 5’9” won’t be average height any longer either! KR, Roanoke
A: You know what else, KR – we hear they’re going to start denying that you geezers walked uphill both ways to school and back – in those 43 inches of snow that used to be on the ground back then every year from early November till late March and when the mountains were high, the valleys low, and the river so deep.
