Holidays are typically considered happy times celebrating with family and friends. However, when someone has experienced a loss, the holidays can magnify the feelings associated with grief such as sadness, anger, guilt or regret.
Grief is a natural occurrence after we experience loss. Any type of loss can trigger grief including a break-up, a decline in your health or someone else’s, the loss of a pet or a loved one. Grief encompasses a wide range of emotions that can span over months or years.
Disenfranchised grief is grief that is unacknowledged by others or has a stigma attached to it. It may be due to the circumstances surrounding the death such as suicide or overdose, or to others not understanding why someone is grieving. In cases where others devalue the loss or do not recognize it, the person grieving may repress his feelings or feel shameful about what he feels.
The acknowledgement and support of others is especially important during the grieving process. And so is knowing when to process feelings alone.
“Society is not structured to support grieving,” says Sandi Boyd, Founder of Revivify Coaching and Consulting. “It can be difficult to go to events with other people, to see children if you have lost a child.”
Boyd knows. She lost a baby girl, Gwen, when she was 20 weeks pregnant. In 2015, her 18-year-old son Lee died unexpectedly after being treated for an infection.
“How do I move forward when I grieve every single day?” Boyd asked herself.
She realized she had to because “life is precious. You are committed to live your best life for as long as you live. The gift my son has given me is to move forward with coaching to help someone through that process.”
She and her daughter, Christina, wrote “From a Mother’s Heart” to offer strategies to parents to survive the heartbreaking loss of a child. They also found ways to honor Lee by incorporating new traditions with old ones.
The first year after her son died, they had no decorations and did different things, including The Compassionate Friends candlelight ceremony at Unity Church. In subsequent years, they did more of the things they had done with her son while adding new traditions as well.
As an empowerment grief coach, Boyd encourages moving forward with strategies to honor grief and loss while making small shifts. In this way, one continues to live life and begin thriving while remembering a loved one.
“It takes five to eight years to move through the emotions of a significant loss,” Boyd shares. “Holidays compound the feelings of loss since it is a time of connection and family. It is also a reminder the loved one is not there. Holidays are already an emotional time, especially if being together and focused on family was important to your loved one.”
For the holidays, she suggests incorporating new traditions with the old, embracing the signs that your loved one is with you in spirit and setting your own boundaries.
Lindsay McKinnon, founder of Soul Body Connect and grief coach, agrees that it is important to create boundaries in a loving way by letting others know that you love them and need to tend to your own soul. McKinnon speaks from personal experience: she lost her two boys, Patrick and Logan, and honors their memory as she raises their sister, Trinity. She says that it is especially important to be open and compassionate towards yourself and others during the grieving process.
“Sometimes, that means that you can’t participate in a family tradition like Christmas Eve dinner. Be okay with that,” McKinnon says. She also says to be aware of any expectations you have of yourself or others, especially those who may also be grieving your loss.
Not everyone grieves the same way. Some will cry, some will want to be alone and some will prefer to gather and reminisce. And then, that could change quickly when a memory arises, or a feeling overwhelms one. There is no set way to grieve and no time limit.
McKinnon suggests the following ways to be with grief:
- Self-care including relaxing baths, good nutrition and exercise.
- Compassion for yourself and others. Listen to the sadness within your own heart and be extremely gentle with yourself.
- Protect your space, heart, time. This means how much you do and with whom. Set boundaries so you have time for you and those you love.
- Set reminders to ground yourself and connect with your grief. That way, you know you have set aside time for you to be with what you are feeling.
Both McKinnon and Boyd emphasize grief and depression are different. If depression is suspected, it is best to seek treatment.
“Depression is a pathological condition that requires treatment and additional support. It should be respected and seeking professional help is essential,” says McKinnon. “Grief is having felt the burden of this loss and integrating it. How can I bring you forward and still live my life? Because of you?”
“A person’s relationship with their grief is meant to evolve,” Boyd says. “It’s not meant to stay in the acute phase. It isn’t leaving grief behind us; it is changing our relationship to it and how we live with it. Just like relationships evolve and you progress as a person. Grief is a journey.”
During the holidays, notice and honor where you are on the journey.
10 Tips to Successfully Navigate the Holidays After a Loss
Sandi Boyd, Founder/CEO of Revivify Coaching & Consulting and Grief & Loss Coach, shares the following tips:
- Spend time with supportive friends and family. You chose what, when and where supports you the most.
- Seek emotional support from a friend, family member, therapist or coach if you find yourself needing the extra support. Don’t hesitate, reach out.
- Volunteer in your community. Give your time to a charity that you or your loved one supported.
- Delegate holiday-related chores or do something different. Perhaps donate to a charity your loved one supported instead of giving gifts.
- Share your feelings of grief and loss in healthy ways. Take a walk in nature or drive in the country. Journal to capture your feelings.
- Honor your loved one. Make a donation in their name, craft an ornament in honor of them, attend an event or concert that they would have enjoyed attending. Sponsor a needy child or family in memory of your loved one.
- Tweak your traditions by adding new traditions to your old traditions. An example might be if you and your loved one enjoyed watching a holiday movie together, this year invite friends over to watch it with you.
- Focus on being grateful. Make a list of all things that make you smile or bring you joy. Incorporate these memories or activities into your day.
- Allow yourself time to feel the emotions of your loss. Set aside quite time to reflect, journal or perhaps cry and honor the love you feel for your loved one.
- Pamper yourself around the holidays. Treat yourself to a pedicure or a movie. Whatever makes you smile. Do something that nurtures you and makes you feel joy.
For more information, visit revivifycoaching.com.
What to Do If a Loved One is Grieving
Lindsey McKinnon, Founder of Soul Body Connect says that when someone is grieving, they often can’t think clearly because they are swimming in their emotions. To support someone during this time, she suggests the following:
- Acknowledge the loss of their loved one by name.
- Listen. Just listen and hold a space for them to be with their grief.
- Ask “What do you need more of?” It might be space, help with errands or meals.
- Ask “What do you need less of?” They may want fewer commitments or less time at home alone.
- If there is something specific you can help with, let them know you would like to and when. For example, “I can mow your yard Wednesday. Is that okay?”
For tips on what to do if you or a loved one is grieving, visit soulbodyconnect.com.