1 of 12
Joseph Mackereth
Maybe PETA Was in on This Caper?
Maybe PETA was in on this caper? About $11,000 worth of cattle bound for the slaughterhouse was rustled out of a Bedford County stockyard in March, loaded up in a 20-foot cattle carrier around dawn and driven away to who-knows-where.
2 of 12
Joseph Mackereth
Dubious Achievement Awards 2011
It was a good year to put behind us, 2011, as there was enough showing of behinds – both literal and figurative – to fill the ol’ wall calendar hanging at the back of the car repair shop.
3 of 12
Joseph Mackereth
April Showers Award
April showers award. To the Jefferson Center, which asked City Council for $490,000 for a roof job a few weeks after April’s torrential rains breached the building’s 17-year-old roof.
4 of 12
Joseph Mackereth
Early Halloween Pranks Award
Early Halloween pranks award. To the husband and son of a candidate for Alleghany County treasurer after they were charged in early October with driving around in a van and removing campaign signs for Mom/Wifey’s opponent in the upcoming election, which, by the way, was won by the candidate from the sign-swiping family.
5 of 12
Joseph Mackereth
The One That Got Away Award
The one that got away award. To the Smith Mountain Lake fisherman who in May had to give up the $25,000 bass boat he’d apparently won for catching the biggest fish in the tournament after it was determined that, well, he hadn’t had his life jacket on while his fishing boat was running – a violation of tournament rules.
6 of 12
Joseph Mackereth
Valley Chicken Wars, 2011
Valley chicken wars, 2011. The City of Salem started things in February, when city council decided to delay an ordinace revision that would have disallowed poultry being kept in residential areas. The Roanoke Natural Foods Co-op had to make an opposite move later in the year, when area residents opposed its proposal for a chicken farm on part of the old Countryside property. And Salem got the last word when the owner of a Bojangles Famous Chicken and Biscuits franchise saw his appeal to halt the building of a new and nearby Chick-fil-A store chopped off at the neck by council.
7 of 12
Joseph Mackereth
Why didn’t Michael Vick Think of this as Part of His Dog-torture Rehab Program?
Why didn’t Michael Vick think of this as part of his dog-torture rehab program? Norfolk-based People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) in August announced plans to launch a pornographic website to promote its messages of animal rights and vegan diets. Editor’s note: Exhaustive research in early 2012 failed to find the peta.xxx site, but PETA’s lettuceladies.com site comes fairly close, featuring not only the scantily leafed Lettuce Ladies but also the Broccoli Boys and the ever-popular Tofu Wrestling video.
8 of 12
Joseph Mackereth
We’re Finally Ready for Godzilla, but Would Jefferson Have Approved the Name?
We’re finally ready for Godzilla, but would Jefferson have approved the name? Roanoke City’s police SWAT team last summer used a $245,000 federal grant to purchase and pimp a Ford F-550-frame, 20,000-pound, bulletproof armored vehicle called . . . The Virginian.
9 of 12
Joseph Mackereth
Guy Goes Into a Bar, Takes Off All His Clothes and Thinks it’s a Pretty Good Joke Award.
Guy goes into a bar, takes off all his clothes and thinks it’s a pretty good joke award. To man-about-town and city employee River Laker, who at a Square Society fundraiser at 202 Market in February did a full striptease as part of being auctioned off as a date, and was so pleased with his performance initially that he contacted the newspaper for coverage . . . all before the state ABC Board stepped in to start talking about things like indecent exposure and 202’s liquor license.
10 of 12
Joseph Mackereth
All Blasted-out, 10-mile-backup, 40-minute-delay Roads Lead to Tech Award.
All blasted-out, 10-mile-backup, 40-minute-delay roads lead to tech award. To VDOT, for its nearly all-year struggle to get the blasting done to widen I-81 over Christiansburg Mountain between Roanoke and Blacksburg. March saw huge delays and debris blocking the roadway, resulting in a suspension of blasting and then a new detour plan; but by August’s move-in day at Virginia Tech, the back-ups were still 10 miles long.
11 of 12
Joseph Mackereth
Maybe PETA Was in on This Caper?
Maybe PETA was in on this caper? About $11,000 worth of cattle bound for the slaughterhouse was rustled out of a Bedford County stockyard in March, loaded up in a 20-foot cattle carrier around dawn and driven away to who-knows-where.
12 of 12
Joseph Mackereth
The Annual Good Ship Taubman Award
The annual Good Ship Taubman award goes, once again this year in a major surprise, to the Taubman Museum of Art, which in March responded to ongoing financial woes by dropping its admission charge from $10.50 to $7, on the heels of a February drop for individual annual memberships from $45 to $35 and its Norah’s Cafe being taken over by Jerome Bonds after a protracted dispute between the museum and the former operator of the restaurant to try to find a way for it to survive with so little business.
A City Market striptease, PETA porn, monkey in the bra… It was a good year to put behind us, 2011, as there was enough showing of behinds – both literal and figurative – to fill the ol’ wall calendar hanging at the back of the car repair shop. Here’s a peak.
The girl can’t help it award
To the City of Roanoke, which fired (and later reinstated at a lower rank) a Fire-EMS captain for allegedly having sex in a city fire station with his then-girlfriend, a Fire-EMS paramedic who received a simple admonishment for her roll . . . er, role.
Why didn’t Michael Vick think of this as part of his dog-torture rehab program?
Norfolk-based People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) in August announced plans to launch a pornographic website to promote its messages of animal rights and vegan diets. Editor’s note: Exhaustive research in early 2012 failed to find the peta.xxx site, but PETA’s lettuceladies.com site comes fairly close, featuring not only the scantily leafed Lettuce Ladies but also the Broccoli Boys and the ever-popular Tofu Wrestling video.
You couldn’t make up better stuff than the real PETA material
In response to Governor McDonnell’s March initiative to allow sponsorships at Virginia highway rest areas, PETA got back with the idea to sponsor the I-81 stop at mile marker 158 near Troutville as the “Fishing Hurts” rest area, complete with “delicious vegan faux-fish sticks” and information about fish pain.
Maybe PETA was in on this caper?
About $11,000 worth of cattle bound for the slaughterhouse was rustled out of a Bedford County stockyard in March, loaded up in a 20-foot cattle carrier around dawn and driven away to who-knows-where.
A better acronym than PETA too award
To 75-year-old Thelma Marienfeldt of Roanoke County, who at the end of 2011 ended the 12-year run of FERAL (Feline Education Rescue and Adoption League), an all-volunteer organization dedicated to caring for homeless kitties, which Marienfeldt headed.
And speaking of darlin’ little animals in cozy places
A woman at an Amherst County court hearing in March surprised court officials when she pulled a six-inch, fully diapered-and-dressed monkey out of her bra, explaining that little Kara was “my daughter.”
The Scrapple award
To the Commonwealth of Virginia, which in August awarded to a company from the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania a contract to sell food, drinks and merchandise at 42 Virginia highway rest areas and welcome centers.
Tiki don’t lose that number award
To former Cave Spring, UVa and New York Giants star running back Tiki Barber, who announced in May he was coming out of retirement at age 35 after four years away from professional football; his lone tryout, with the Miami Dolphins in August, did not result in a contract. But hey, the ‘Phins went 6-10 this past season, and their leading rusher was . . . Reggie Bush?!
At least we’re not as fat as West Virginia and the Carolinas
A report last summer noted that all states except Colorado now have an obesity rate of more than 20 percent of the population. Virginia joins Maryland and Florida as the only states below the Mason-Dixon Line in the 26-28 percent range, with all the others lumbering in at 29-31 or 32-34 percent.
We’re finally ready for Godzilla, but would Jefferson have approved the name?
Roanoke City’s police SWAT team last summer used a $245,000 federal grant to purchase and pimp a Ford F-550-frame, 20,000-pound, bulletproof armored vehicle called . . . The Virginian.
Hey buddy, wanna buy some, uh, perfume?
In September, in the second similar incident in a year, a trucker came out from a truck stop at Exit 150 of I-81 to find that his tractor-trailer had been stolen. The tractor was found within an hour, but the trailer was gone; it carried a load of Elizabeth Arden beauty products.
Early Halloween pranks award
To the husband and son of a candidate for Alleghany County treasurer after they were charged in early October with driving around in a van and removing campaign signs for Mom/Wifey’s opponent in the upcoming election, which, by the way, was won by the candidate from the sign-swiping family.
The great high school track wars, William Fleming division
The clashes between walkers and Roanoke City Schools officials over citizen use of the track at William Fleming High reached an apparent settlement in the spring when the city, after posting a guard at the track entrance – to check for appropriate shoes and to have walkers sign in – opened a .6-mile paved trail around the school, but not on the track. Meanwhile, at the Patrick Henry track across town, the three labrynth entryways seemed to be succeeding in keeping cows, deer and maybe bicycles and skateboards off a similarly delicate track.
Maybe they should have let it try out for the high hurdles on the Eagles’ track team
A 50-pound, six-foot emu outran pursuers along Va. 122 in Franklin County last September, reaching speeds near 30 miles per hour before being shot to death as a traffic hazard after a deputy and five other people could not run down the speeding bird.
You’ll hunt no more award
To former Franklin County sheriff Ewell Hunt, whose tough year began in May when two former employees sued him to get their jobs back, asserting they’d been fired for their role in an investigation of Hunt; got far worse on Memorial Day when his mild, “be on the lookout” approach to the report of one of his deputies being headed in the direction of his ex-wife with an assault rifle may have played a role in her death; and culminated with a 9,900 to 3,529 trouncing at the polls in November when he sought re-election to the sheriff post.
Sign of the times award
To the general climate of fear in the land, which in March caused the closing of Valley View Mall for 10 hours while police hunted for a man walking through the mall carrying a long black . . . umbrella.
Copycat crime award
Wasn’t even a month later that Burlington Mall in Massachusetts was evacuated and closed while a SWAT team came in to hunt down a man carrying a long black . . . umbrella.
Valley chicken wars, 2011
The City of Salem started things in February, when city council decided to delay an ordinace revision that would have disallowed poultry being kept in residential areas. The Roanoke Natural Foods Co-op had to make an opposite move later in the year, when area residents opposed its proposal for a chicken farm on part of the old Countryside property. And Salem got the last word when the owner of a Bojangles Famous Chicken and Biscuits franchise saw his appeal to halt the building of a new and nearby Chick-fil-A store chopped off at the neck by council.
The one that got away award
To the Smith Mountain Lake fisherman who in May had to give up the $25,000 bass boat he’d apparently won for catching the biggest fish in the tournament after it was determined that, well, he hadn’t had his life jacket on while his fishing boat was running – a violation of tournament rules.
And speaking of fish stories . . .
Anglers, biologists and natural resource officials alike were knocked for a total loop in June when a 143-pound blue catfish was caught in Buggs Island Lake. The man-size giant broke the old state record by more than 30 pounds – sort of like somebody breaking Barry B*nds’ homerun record (73*) by slugging 95 homers in a season (though it should be noted that the fish was likely on its own kind of steroids*, in the form of huge amounts of phyloplankton now in the lake – the result of fertilizer and sewage runoff).
The biggest city in Virginia award . . . not
To voters in Alleghany County and Covington, who in November voted down a consolidation plan that would have made the proposed city of Alleghany Highlands the largest city in the state by land area, at 450 square miles – edging out Suffolk’s 429 square miles.
Old gardener back at work award
To a 56-year old former real estate agent and local flower club leader who after spending 57 months in prison for growing pot in the ‘90s, faced federal charges in August for having 132 marijuana plants growing near his Roanoke County home.
And we can each get our own cave to live in while we’re at it
The Roanoke Tea Party early last year split from the state group over the Roanoke group’s favoring of a process of nullification, dating from the 1700s and under which a state legislature may have the right to suspend federal law within its boundaries.
Giant magnifying glass in the sky award
To the Patrick Henry Hotel construction site, where a July rooftop fire was attributed to “spontaneous combustion.”
The annual Good Ship Taubman award . . .
. . . Goes, once again this year in a major surprise, to the Taubman Museum of Art, which in March responded to ongoing financial woes by dropping its admission charge from $10.50 to $7, on the heels of a February drop for individual annual memberships from $45 to $35 and its Norah’s Cafe being taken over by Jerome Bonds after a protracted dispute between the museum and the former operator of the restaurant to try to find a way for it to survive with so little business.
Seeds of light award
To the Roanoke City Market Building Foundation, which in September banned the monthly peace vigils by the Plowshare Peace & Justice Center that had taken place in front of the Market Building since 1978; the peace group then sued. Editor’s note: a settlement among the city, the foundation and the peace group to allow the vigils to continue was reached in January.
Wait, you’re running the ice cream shop off the market?!
When the owners of the city market’s Little Dipper Cafe were informed in October that Center in the Square renovations would eat their store space, they were “in such shock that we didn’t do anything but walk around like zombies,” before announcing they would indeed close the store for good on December 30.
Best hope for 2012 award
To the Virginia High School League, which pledged to address the problem of Patrick Henry and William Fleming athletic teams having to travel two hours or more to places like Danville and South Boston to play other Group AAA schools while being precluded from playing seven slightly smaller schools within a 20-mile radius of the two Roanoke high schools.
April showers award
To the Jefferson Center, which asked City Council for $490,000 for a roof job a few weeks after April’s torrential rains breached the building’s 17-year-old roof.
Four mild seasons award
To Virginia’s meterological and seismic year, which saw a four-deaths tornado in April and a magnitude 5.8 earthquake in August.
All blasted-out, 10-mile-backup, 40-minute-delay roads lead to tech award
To VDOT, for its nearly all-year struggle to get the blasting done to widen I-81 over Christiansburg Mountain between Roanoke and Blacksburg. March saw huge delays and debris blocking the roadway, resulting in a suspension of blasting and then a new detour plan; but by August’s move-in day at Virginia Tech, the back-ups were still 10 miles long.
And get ready for the Valley View version . . .
Plans were announced in 2011 for a $71 million redo of the I-581 exchange at Valley View Boulevard near Best Buy; construction – and the accompanying lane closings and traffic re-routings – is expected to begin in 2013 and take about two and a half years.
And just one terribly egregious, unforgivable, unbelievable, Pac-12, no-sugar-in-our-bowl dubious achievement from just-into-2012.
Danny Coale caught the damn ball!