The story below is from our January/February 2025 issue. For more stories like it, Subscribe Today. Thank you!
Blended families face unique challenges and rewards; by focusing on love, respect and connection, we create homes defined by unity over titles.
One in three Americans is part of a blended family, a family structure that forms when a couple builds a life together with children from one or both of their previous relationships. In the summer of 2018, my husband Donnie and I joined this growing demographic. We said “I do,” uniting our lives—and our children—as one. Donnie likes to joke that he “brought three to the party,” while I brought two, making us the proud parents of five. But life as a blended family isn’t always a “party.” Blended families often face challenges that differ from those experienced by traditional family structures, but we strive to love and support each of our children equally.
We felt fortunate that our kids were close in age and already got along well. I fell in love with Donnie’s children, and he with mine. However, I couldn’t shake one lingering fear: would becoming their stepmother change things between us? I worried they’d think they were gaining an “evil stepmother”—an image shaped by years of watching Disney movies like Cinderella. This stereotype has created a negative association with the word “stepparent,” often painting them as cold or calculating. While I knew I didn’t fit that mold, I wanted to ensure my stepchildren didn’t see me through that lens.
To avoid making anyone feel “othered” in our family, we removed the word “step” from our vocabulary. We wanted all five of our kids to feel equally loved and supported, without labels to suggest a divide. Instead, we refer to our family as having “two daughters and three sons.” Sometimes, to help clarify with others, we might use “bonus kids” rather than stepkids, but within our family, the only “steps” are the ones we climb.
Kenneth Palmer, a local father, shares our approach. “I love Micah as if she shares my DNA. She completed our family when I married her mother,” he explains. “No other title is needed—the word ‘step’ is never used.” Palmer’s sentiment highlights the importance of focusing on love and acceptance over labels.
How we address our loved ones is important, but that is only part of the equation. For many blended families, the journey often follows previous marriages or relationships that didn’t work out. Kids navigating these changes may experience loyalty conflicts, feeling as though forming a bond with a “bonus” parent could hurt their relationship with their biological parent. This emotional complexity can lead to feelings of jealousy or resentment toward new siblings. Adults, on the other hand, may struggle with balancing their roles as partners, parents and “bonus” parents. The key to overcoming these challenges lies in understanding the unique emotional landscape of each family member and fostering an environment of empathy, patience and communication.
Trust is the foundation of a successful blended family. Establishing trust, however, takes time, especially for children who may be wary of sudden changes in their family structure. Building trust requires adults to be consistent, reliable and sensitive to the needs of each family member. For example, Donnie and I never insert ourselves as replacing a child’s biological parent; instead we focus on developing a positive and supportive role. This approach has helped our kids feel safe and respected, reinforcing their relationships with their biological parents while feeling secure with us.
Another Roanoke stepmom, London Ray-Dykstra, found herself drawing on her own blended family experience when she became a “bonus mom.” “I always said, ‘I am not her mom,’” London recalls. “I’m just another adult here to love and support her. Why wouldn’t anyone want more people to love and support their child?” London’s approach illustrates the importance of respect and support for a child’s relationship with their biological parent. “Being anything but supportive just makes a kid’s life more difficult,” she adds. For a blended family to thrive, positive co-parenting with former spouses is critical to reduce tension and avoid placing children in the middle of adult conflicts.
Activities that allow family members to connect and bond naturally are invaluable in building relationships. Family game nights, shared hobbies or regular dinners offer a way for each person to interact and strengthen connections. Additionally, setting aside one-on-one time between parents and children, as well as between stepparents and stepchildren, nurtures individual relationships within the family.
Blended families come in many forms and each journey is unique. Our family, like so many others, faces challenges, but we tackle them with love and patience. As we continue to grow together, we remain focused on our shared goals: supporting, nurturing and loving each other unconditionally, with the understanding that family is defined not by labels but by bonds.
The story above is from our January/February 2025 issue. For more stories like it, Subscribe Today. Thank you!
