Raising Good Kids

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Features

The story below is a preview from our July/August 2018 issue. For more, Subscribe today or view our FREE digital edition.

It is a precise skill most of us aspire to, but fewer achieve. Here are some success stories and a guide to how you can replicate their efforts.

(Plus, meet three more families here.)

Ours is frequently called a “child-centric ‌culture,” one where kids are at the center of it all, draining resources and attention from doting moms and dads. That often means almost corporate levels of organization (play dates, travel teams, huge expenses) for children whose noses are stuck in cell phones and where family dinners are something the grandparents did.

Raising good citizens has never been easy and some would argue it is more difficult these days than ever—with  exponential growth of distractions and the heavy influence of mass media. Some parents still get it right, though, and we’re going to give some examples of role models for those of you who might be struggling.

Remember this: these examples are struggling, too, but they have a plan and they are sticking to it. It is a base source for turning out children who contribute.

Dara Hawkins and Family

Dara Hawkins was born to be a mom. Just born to it. She’s never wavered, rarely doubted her skill, always been a mother first.

When she talks about her five children—and three stepkids—her face lights up and her enthusiasm level crests. Their success stories are impressive:

Cody Bushman, 24, is in med school at the Edward Via College of Osteopathic Medicine in Blacksburg; J.T. Roberts, 22, is getting his accounting master’s at George Mason University; Bailey Bushman, 19, is in her sophomore year at Virginia Western with a law degree her aspiration; Noah Bushman, 18, is on a wrestling scholarship at Old Dominion, studying sports medicine;  Madi Bushman, 17, is a junior at Cave Spring High. 

Dara’s third husband is Jacob Hawkins, a Roanoke police officer.

The future was always clear for Dara: “I didn’t want to go to college,” she says emphatically. “I wanted to be a cop or a hair stylist and I wanted seven kids.” She styles hair and wound up slightly below the seven kids (or over it if you count the steps), though she’s only 41. She had her first child, Cody, at 16.

The family has never had a lot of money, but education for the children has consistently been a priority. Paying for that education—sometimes with scholarships—has also been at the top of the list. Having to work to pay for college, says Dara, has made it more valuable to her children. “Noah’s job is wrestling,” she says. It’s how the three-time state champion pays for school. Cody, a former football player of note, has worked for his grandfather’s heating and AC business since he was 12 and was a cheerleader in college at Tech, also on a golf scholarship. The siblings all contribute.

Dara says she has often been accused of “being too hard on them,” but she has emphasized discipline and get-ahead skills like “knowing how to present themselves, shaking hands, looking people in the eyes. … It doesn’t always come naturally to say ‘yes, ma’am’ and ‘no, ma’am.’” Good manners are never out of style.

 Community service has been an emphasis for the entire family as well, even though the family is far from wealthy. It is a matter of being resourceful and adding in touches like shopping at Goodwill. “They see what other kids have and I want to give them more,” but resourcefulness is also a valuable skill, one that must be learned.

Dara has few regrets, except that “I’d like to spend more one-on-one time with each of the kids.” 

Taisha & Dwight Steele Family

The Steeles are not only raising a generation of entrepreneurs, but also concentrating their blended family efforts on community activism.

Taisha’s sons are Curtis Staples, 20, a student in symbolic systems at Stanford University and Chance Staples, 16, a Salem High School student in the International Baccalaureate program. Both are/were star basketball players in high school and both either own or have owned businesses. Six-year-old Jaida, Dwight’s daughter, has her own business (Jaida Cakes) as well, baking cupcakes and selling them.

Taisha, 40, and Dwight, 42, set the examples. She is director of school counseling for Roanoke City Public Schools and he is the funeral director with his family’s business, Serenity Funeral Home. They have been married for four years. Each has been heavily involved in the community for years, she with Women United Community Action, the Roanoke Chapter of The Links, Inc. for professional women and he as a Roanoke neighborhood advocate, among other things.

When in Roanoke, Curtis is a volunteer at the Harrison Museum of African-American History.  He helped found a volunteer help group for tech start-up businesses, created a social Craig’s List and started a business club at Stanford. Chance is with the Youth NAACP and the Key Club at school. Chance plans to start a non-profit to help show middle school students that math and science “can work for them.” They’re all involved in their church. Curtis founded a for-profit T-shirt company while he was in high school and has turned it over to Chance.

Parental influence, says Curtis, “started young for us. Mom and our grandfather placed heavy emphasis on education, on learning inside and outside school. From there, they instilled the desire to want to continue” education. 

“Our parents support our ideas,” says Chance. When the idea of selling T-shirts came up, “Our grandfather took us downtown to show how it was done. He advocated for us and taught us a lot about business.”

The family eats dinner together every chance they get—with an often-intense schedule. And the dinners aren’t quiet. “There’s not a topic we won’t approach,” says Taisha. Often the topics are philosophical, bringing brisk debate, but “there’s a ceiling” on the arguing, says Chance. “They’re straightforward and strong in their opinions,” says Taisha of her boys. 

Basically, says Taisha, the results hinge on “taking care of the family and commitments and giving back to the community.”

Carolyn & Ian Reilly Family

Circumstances have pushed the Reillys slightly away from their idyllic small farm-family life in Franklin County and toward a powerful, active role in opposing a giant gas pipeline that would run smack through their grazing land. Carolyn has even helped organize the Bold Appalachia Landowner Alliance, a nonprofit whose raison d’etre is opposition to the pipeline.

The children were home schooled for 10 years until recent pipeline resistance activities took more and more time and now Evelyn, 14, Elliot, 12, and Joy, 8, are in public school and 17-year-old Jonas is at Virginia Western Community College. Ian, 42, runs Four Corners Farm, a sustainable effort featuring “poultry, eggs, pork, wholesome foods, local goods and more.” He is former military.

Carolyn and Ian poured a lot of time, effort and resources into creating the kind of farm and home they envisioned when they married over 16 years ago. The children have always helped work the 58 acres in what Ian calls “a living education.”

The pipeline, says Carolyn, “has in some ways taken over our lives for the last three years.” Ian says the intrusion was especially acute in the fall when “we needed to start planning for next year.” Land management is vital and chemicals the pipeline owners would spray in this carefully cultivated area could be devastating. The pipeline, says Carolyn, is “a daily burden.” But it’s not everything.

“The process provides many teaching moments,” says Carolyn. “What is civic responsibility? What processes have been skewed by this industrial, private corporation? It’s tough for all of us, but we have each other, our community, our neighbors.”

The kids are still kids. Elliot wants to be a Supreme Court justice, Evelyn has aspirations of being a writer or journalist. Jonas is putting his effort into science. Even Joy “asks a lot of questions when she sees me out talking, asking people if they’re for or against the pipeline. She judges.”

Carolyn and Ian lay it out for the kids, as well. “We’ve been pretty big on being honest and not keeping things back,” says Carolyn. “We don’t do Santa. We’d rather the kids experience what’s sacred to us and it’s well beyond money and stuff.

“We started the farm because we care about the land, water and the community and that people have healthy food. I think our kids will be better equipped to handle whatever faces us in the future.”

Jennifer & Annie Harvey-Slusher Family

The initial idea was for Jennifer to have the first child and Annie to have the second. The family would be rounded off at that point. But nature has its own ideas. After Jennifer gave birth to Livie nine years ago, Annie’s attempts didn’t work. Jennifer tried again and that didn’t work, either.

So, it looked like one biological child and two mothers for a while. They were getting older in a hurry at that point (they’ve been together 22 years, married three). Then, fate intervened and gave Annie and Jennifer a double bundle of joy, wrapped up as, first, foster children, then adoptees. The little girls are Rae, now 3, and Jordan, 1. What was already a non-traditional family, suddenly turned tradition on its head, something Annie and Jennifer were accustomed to. 

Jennifer is a 46-year-old director of counseling at Jefferson College and 45-year-old Annie director of philanthropy for Planned Parenthood.

The most unplanned of the kids was little Jordan, who came in an unexpected package deal with Rae. Jordan was offered as the foster process for Rae was beginning. Adoption, say Jennifer and Annie, is not for the faint of heart. “It is one scam after another,” says Jennifer, rife with corruption, disappointment and expense. But when it works, kids like Rae and Jordan bring joy into others’ lives and stability to their own.

At one point, the moms believed they were going to adopt a little boy, but that plan was foiled at the last minute—after Livie had been told she had a little brother. “The birth mother changed her mind,” says Annie. “I think she had a better offer. Livie was disappointed, but she said, ‘That’s just the way it’s supposed to be.’ She is truly a rock star.”

Livie often thinks she is the third mom in this family, says Annie. Jordan became a “forever sister” (Livie’s term) the day before Livie’s birthday. “These girls are amazing human beings,” says Annie. “I couldn’t be more proud of them.” Livie, says Jennifer, “sets a high bar. She’s an easy kid to raise.”

The family, says Jennifer, “is pretty structured,” but “we go off-script a great deal,” Annie adds. “Every day we wipe the slate clean. Being a parent is not a place to hold grudges.” 

With time having passed, “we try to cruise now,” says Jennifer. “The past couple of years have been chaotic, a roller coaster. We don’t want to over-schedule, but we want to be active, to learn to develop skills.”

Even though “parenting can be terrifying,” says Jennifer, “we both spent our whole lives wanting to be moms,” says Annie. Before the children came along, “we used to randomly find at-risk four-legged kids.”

Their non-traditional relationship is one they knew could involve risk. “We are very aware there can be repercussions,” says Annie, “but we have thick skins.” Says Jennifer, “It’s already an issue. Some of Livie’s school mates have said having two mothers is ‘weird,’ and I worry as the girls get older, but mostly we have amazing family and friends.”

Annie’s enthusiasm for her family is unbounded: “I love all of it,” she says, “even the 3 a.m. rock-the-baby. We have three chances to do it right. The universe has been very generous.” 

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